The teen years can be pretty challenging.

Mood swings, changes in interests and habits, and disagreeable or flat out adversarial behavior are characteristics that often emerge in our teens during this time of their lives, at least to some degree.

It can be a tough time for your kids and a very tough time for you.

A switch flips in your agreeable little angel that you loved to be with, and suddenly they become a young person who challenges everything you say or resists everything you ask them to do.

Life at home becomes an endless power struggle with your teen.

You know in your core that this period will pass, and someday your unpleasant teenager will grow into a reasonable and agreeable young adult.

But you still have three or four years to go through before that happens!

So how do you maintain your sanity and relative peace in your household in the meantime?

How do you manage those power struggles, get them to cooperate with you, and guide them toward greater maturity… all at the same time?

What Teenagers Want and Why That’s Difficult 

Teenagers want -- and need -- independence and freedom to make their own choices. They’re trying to sort out who they are and who they’re going to be. At the same time, they want and need the structure and guidance provided by their family and their community in order to do so.

Teenagers go through major changes, physically, mentally, and emotionally, that are unique to their age group. They’re on the path to adulthood, but they’re certainly not there.

As they enter adolescence, the kids in your family will begin to identify themselves with certain roles or dominant characteristics, for example, as the helper, or the naughty kid. Make sure it’s a productive identity you want them to have. The way the way you habitually react to them or how you address them will have a lot of influence on this.

Outside of the home they’ll try on other identities: the athlete, the popular kid, the theater kid, and so on -- and they’ll take on the habitual behavior that links to that persona or identity. They also may change their friend groups, especially if your teen’s friend group begins to identify themselves in a way that doesn’t work for your child.

It’s a tumultuous time for them, and they need your support through it.

When Power Struggles with Your Teen Arrive 

The #1 thing to avoid during these challenging teen years is the power struggle. A war of the wills. A shouting match. You losing your cool entirely and arguing with them as if you were their equal -- as much of a kid as they are.

It’s hard!

When you find yourself getting into a power struggle with your teen, stop yourself and take a breath.

Keep in mind that this adversarial behavior isn’t going to be a one-time thing. It’s going to be a repeat pattern for a period of time, possibly years, that you don’t want to reinforce.

You don’t want the adversarial behavior to become an acceptable habitual reaction your kids have when faced with anything they don’t want to do in the moment, like schoolwork or a difficult task or project. This won’t be helpful to them in their adult lives.

How Do You Respond to the Teenage Power Struggle? 

First, what’s behind the particular lack of cooperation you’re getting? It usually falls into one of three areas: attention seeking, testing boundaries, or taking out their frustrations on you. Yes, small children behave this way at times, but it’s much more intense during the teenage years.

Engaging in the power struggle -- reacting emotionally to their adversarial behavior -- doesn’t get to the heart of whatever is bothering them. At the same time, tolerating rude and uncooperative behavior is unacceptable.

Know your boundaries and non-negotiables as a parent, and enforce them with the consequences you and your spouse have decided upon together. Honestly, when I was a teenager, I’d try throwing a tantrum with my parents, as I’d see friends successfully do to get what they want. In my family I’d get sent to my room for the tantrum with an automatic NO to whatever it is I originally wanted. After one or two attempts, I never tried another. There was no room for anything of the kind in my house.

Pick your battles. You and your husband will have your non-negotiables, as mentioned above, but there will be a lot of gray area decisions where you’ll need to decide whether it’s worth the negative interaction with your teen.

Never try to control everything. Let your teens have as much freedom of choice and expression as possible, within the given structure of your home and community.

Are you spending any one-on-one fun time with your teen? Do you have something just for the two of you to do together, that you both enjoy on a regular basis? In larger families, making one-on-one time for your kids can be difficult, but it’s worth your time do your best to carve out some time together. These times are opportunities for relaxed, non-confrontational conversations.

If you want your teens to learn to act like an adult, you have to treat them like one. If you establish a relationship with them where you can both sit down, truly listen to each other and share how you’re feeling without repercussion and elevated emotions, you’ll find your kids have a lot of interesting insights and ideas. You might be surprised by their observations!

Showing your teens that you listen to and value their thoughts and opinions, when delivered in a calm and respectful way, gives a huge boost to their self-esteem, and it helps them with their quest to sort out who they are.

Hang in there!

Lily Iatridis is the founder of Writing Rockstars, an online writing program that prepares teens for college level writing.