Why do your kids melt down so much with you?

So many times, when my son was very young, he would go into hysterics over any number of things: for example, a visit to the dentist or going to the barber for a haircut.

But he only did it when I was with him -- never with his dad or a grandparent. Clearly, I was somehow the reason for these random meltdowns!

But why??

I did some research and learned that it was because I was his main “safe zone” person. I was the person with whom my son openly expressed every emotion, with no holding back. His dad worked outside the home during the week, so he spent the most time with me.

Sure, it’s a compliment to be your child’s most trusted safe person. But you still need to get things done, especially if you’re homeschooling.

So how do you manage this behavior? How do you keep it from interfering with homeschool time?

If you’re your children’s primary safe person, the parent with whom they’re most emotionally open, you’re also going to be the primary person that they’ll look to for structure, boundaries and appropriate behavior.

Your kids are going to look to you to teach them how to regulate themselves, as much as they need you to teach them reading, writing and math.

Here are my suggestions to help you manage your kids’ behavior and get your homeschooling done successfully. 

1. Non-negotiable outside fun time every day for everybody. 

Everyone gets a break during the day, even you!

First and foremost, it’s important to keep some part of the day a free zone -- where you don’t have to be a disciplinarian, and everybody can play, connect, be together and have a good time.

Outdoors is best. Get some sunshine on everyone’s faces! Go on a walk, ride bikes, play in the yard, go to a park, and so on. It’s important to let everybody -- including you -- let off some steam, burn off some pent-up energy, stretch their legs and get a breath of fresh air.

Go outside in all kinds of weather. Don’t stay inside just because it’s cold or rainy. Bundle up!

Physical fun time outdoors every day will help to calm the anxiety, stress, or other emotions that are causing your kids to melt down.

It’ll also give you a chance to clear your mind if you’re in the middle of a difficult day.

2. Lots of advance planning and structure. 

If you’re homeschooling 3, 4, 5, or more kids at the same time, you have to do some serious advance planning to make it all work.

How do you keep the other kids on task and NOT melting down while you take needed time to work with each kid one-on-one?

Here are some ideas:

Set up work stations in several locations around the house. Make one of the workstations where you’re sitting. Set a timer for kids to spend 15 minutes at a station before moving to the next one. Your location can be where they work on their most difficult subject, and other workstations can be where they focus on other skills or content areas.

Create an anchor activity, an enrichment project that they can work on together once they’re done with their more difficult academics. Children who finish first can go to the anchor activity table and be joined by the others later.

Do independent work. Plan what each child will work on if they finish with something earlier than expected. Do they have a book they’re reading? An independent project they’re working on?

The goal with independent work is to have it nearby and train them to go to it when they finish early, without being told to do so by you.

Once they learn to do that, it’s a big win for you!

Clear transitions. Give a 2 to 3-minute warning before it’s time to move to another activity. It prepares them to wrap up what they’re doing and get ready for the next one.

Change up the structure periodically. Doing this is refreshing for everybody, even you.

Kids tend to become disruptive when they either don’t know what to do, don’t what’s coming up next, or when they’ll be free to play.

Share your daily plan with them at the start of the day, have it all set up before you begin, stick to your timing, and keep your transitions tight.

See what happens!

If meltdowns continue, observe and investigate to see if there may be another issue at play. Your child may be having trouble when working with a particular subject or learning skill, and they may be too young to tell you in words. Trust your judgement!

3. Set up rules and consequences, AND enforce them. 

Do your kids have a clear idea of what’s expected of them during academic homeschooling time?

Do they have a clear idea of what happens if they’re disruptive or uncooperative?

I’m sure you already have rules and consequences in place for misbehavior in your home. Your children either know what they are or they’re in the process of learning them.

Work with your spouse to set up a behavior plan during homeschool that’s an extension of the rules of your home.

Decide in advance what those rules and consequences are. Don’t try to sort it out in the middle of a child’s meltdown. Be consistent in your follow through.

Consequences can be very minor, but they need to communicate clearly that it’s not ok to hijack everybody’s homeschooling day with a regular meltdown.

Along with enforcing rules, create a reward system for following them:

Decide on some sort of periodic prize that only happens when everybody cooperates. If all your other kids want the reward, they’ll actively help you manage the child that’s melting down.

Give it a try and see how it goes!

 Lily Iatridis is the founder of Writing Rockstars, an online writing program that prepares teens for college level writing.